This will be the first post in a series aiming to teach you how to pretend you know more than you actually do.
In each episode I’ll ask a few questions to an expert in the field and give you all the infos you need to show off and gain some street cred (and money, cash, hoes)
So, I happen to have a close friend that produces electronic music; it’s all fun and games until he starts talking about IDM, noise, Burial and other jibber-jabber.
Problem is I don’t know anything about all this stuff, so let’s see..
HOW TO PRETEND YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
Q: So, let’s say I’ve just met some hottie in a club and she mentions she’s into electronic music; which CD’s should I casually say I own, in order to bring said hottie to my apartment and “listen to some music while we chill out”?
A: Eh, hard to say, to play it safe i’d go for:
- Mezzanine by Massive Attack
- Incunabula by Autechre
- Druqks by Aphex Twin
- Hard normal daddy by Squarepusher
- Rossz csillag alatt született by Venetian Snares
Q: I’m pretty sure there is some artist that I should mock in front of her in order to look like an expert in the field
A: Sure, today just say something bad about Skillex and you’ll be pretty safe. He’s making a shitload of money even if all the songs he makes sound exactly the same, plus he looks really awful.
Q: What if she starts talking about some artist I don’t know anything about?
A: Just casually ask if she remembers the name of the artist label, and when she does just go “Ah, right, did you like his track in the latest <label name> sampler?”. Almost fail-safe.
Q: Great, gotta remember that. Now, a great way to show off would be to tell her who’s the artist that made the song that is currently playing, is there any secret trick to fake some knowledge?
A: It’s obviously very hard to guess, but here are some guidelines that might help:
- The MC is too close to the microphone = Kode9 and the Spaceape
- Woodblock broken beats = Burial
- Sounds like a worn-out educational movie on how to prevent forest fires = Boards of Canada
- Fast-forwarding the song produces no results = Oval
- Melodic intro – pause – BWAWAWAWAWA – drop – BWAWAWAWAWAWIWIWIWWIWAWAWAWA = Gotta be a dubstep track, to guess the artist name just mumble something ending with “-a”, e.g.: BassnectAH, BengAH, CaspAH, JazzSteppAH (just avoid Ghostface KillAH)
Q: Last question, do you happen to have 5 words I can casually say from time to time to look like A FUCKING PRO?
A: Ahahaha i’ve got thousands of them, just say:
- Sidechain
- Generative Composition
- Mention you own the Merzbox
- Field recording (does wonders with ambient/illbient aficionados)
- Additive synthesis (she should be already naked by now)
There you go, now you can look like an electronic music know-it-all, go test your new skills and come back here to report in the comments!
Today’s expert in the field was Maestro delle Metope, a talented musician from Italy that plays under the Alberto Ricca moniker when he wants to avoid fans.
I like most of the stuff he produces, but if I really had to pick my favorite, it would be Flesh Haiku:
He mostly plays IDM/noise, and if you don’t know what that means you need to study this post again.
Today’s one-liner: The arc bobs against a god.
